I think people take themselves way too seriously on the Internet. Half the web pages and usenet posts I see have copyright notices on them. I want to know what the hell is wrong with these people? Do they actually think that their musings are so profound and insightful that they're in danger of expropriation?

Use your fucking head morons! No one cares about you, your writings, or your pathetic web creations. No one is stealing from you. Stop acting like a senile ninety year old man worrying about his nonexistent bank accounts and get a grip on reality.

And you people with notices on the end of your usenet posts claiming that you are going to sue Microsoft if any of your magical prose ends up on their service really piss me off. I hate most Microsoft products just like anyone else with half a brain but that's plain goofy.

That said I'm putting copyrights on all my stuff because I want to be even more of the sheep that already I am. I want to fit in with all the nettarati. Where the fools of the net lead I will follow. Let my copyright on my drivel be heard and let it be ignored.

With any luck, someone will steal my magnificent works and I will finally have a reason to sue for millions. I've always wanted to sue and have a lawyer and a court case and briefs and a reason to carry around an impressive looking briefcase. Maybe I'll even act as my own lawyer, put myself on the stand, and make me break down and confess that it was all just a pathetic scheme to wrest power from the monied elite.

And now...[fanfare]...my copyright notice:

All works are owned and operated by Scott Christensen, henceforth referred to as the-stupid-bastard-with-a-copyright-notice-on- his-web-pages, and all rights, obligations and cheese assortments are his to do with as he pleases. Any usage of the aforementioned magnificent creations without expressed written consent in blood will be considered an act of war. The consequences of said act will be extraordinarily violent and yours alone to bear.

Any incursion on these rights of eminent domain of the-stupid-bastard-with-a- copyright-notice-on-his-web-pages is forbidden. No copying, appropriation, quotation, folding, spindling, or any other verb will be allowed to pass without a costly legal action involving hundreds of lawyers, henceforth referred to in such vicious terms that we are not allowed to print them on this family network, and charges of racism, anti-semitism, anti-vikingism, police brutality, mental cruelty, and genetic dismemberment will be hurled wantonly in an effort to foment the rabble into a riotous frenzy. Justice will be taken to the streets and the rabble will burn down their own residences and business establishments in outrage. The rabble will scream slogans such as, "No justice, no hair piece!" and "What do we want?! Naked models!!! When do we want them?! Early in the morning when we're as stiff as boards!!!"

Any failure to comply with the terms of this agreement, implicitly agreed upon by accessing the the-stupid-bastard-with-a-copyright-notice-on-his-web-pages' web pages, is unconscionable and morally reprehensible. Any action to circumvent this agreement will result in a really nasty kick to the gonads.