There are times when it’s blindingly clear that the world is populated by mouth-breathers.

Today is one of those days.

I attempted to make a purchase on my lunch break, the Black & Decker Auto Wrench. I need two of them (one for my father-in-law as a late father’s day gift and one for myself, because they’re just sooooo damn cool). Of course… I couldn’t find one.

What I did find, however, is that today was genetic throwback day for all of the drivers on the road. Apparently, red lights and turn signals are purely options to these people, as I was nearly hit twice.

Every parking lot I attempted to enter was in the same state: shopping cart madness! Why is it that people feel it’s ok to leave the cart in the middle of the damn parking lot where it can roll into someone’s car? Can’t you be bothered to walk those few extra feet and put it in the damn shopping cart return (which are conveniently placed all over the damn place)?

Don’t be an inconsiderate bastard. I don’t care of your car is a piece of shit, mine isn’t, and I’d prefer that your damn cart didn’t roll into it.

While I’m on the subject… here’s a few other parking lot etiquette tips:

• Dump your damn ashtray in the garbage can! That’s just plain nasty!
• If you need to change your kids crappy diaper, put that in the damn can too! There’s nothing worse than the smell of toddler poo on hot asphalt! (I seriously have a hard time believing this every time I see it!)
• Park in one space… BETWEEN the lines! If you want a little extra space (to avoid door dings from the other mouth breathers), park at the far end of the lot.

Follow those 3 simple rules (and pretty much anthing else that is common sense) and you’ll discover that team WWBD will direct much less blind rage on your ass.

Friday was payday.

This payday in particular was special to me. I get paid every two weeks and apply my funds to bills on a very regimented schedule (just the way my creditors like it). Occasionally, once or twice per year, I end up with a paycheck that has no bills attached to it. Basically, it’s free money (well, money that I don’t have to immediately disperse to others).

I got my check, deposited the entire thing into savings, and dreamed a little dream of what I might spend it on in the future.

I ended up spending a huge chunk of it the very next day.

I awoke on Saturday morning to the sound of the blower on my water heater going. I thought this was odd, because I heard it going on Friday night, so I went down to the furnace room (which is also where my water heater is located) to check it out.

Sure enough…. no hot water for me.

I started poking about with it, trying to troubleshoot exactly what the issue might be. The power vent was running, which creates a vacuum for the vacuum switch, which would start the electronic igniter, which should light the gas burner… but there was no flame.

I checked for power, gas, etc…. still no flame.

Crap… it’s gotta be the regulator.

So… I called a plumber to come check it out. I explained to the dispatcher what I had done for troubleshooting and what I assumed the issue was. I asked if they would have the part on the truck and was assured that it would be (it was Saturday and the warehouse that keeps the parts closes at noon).

At 11:30, the truck pulled up and a large man with a very thick Russian accent knocked on my door. I showed him to the giant vat of not so very hot water and he began to tear it apart, humming to himself the entire time. I pretty much just left him alone (I hate it when people watch over my shoulder when I work.

He replaced the igniter (um… that was working just fine), and tested the other components. Then dropped the bomb on me. “I’m sorry, but I can not fix” he said. “It must be regulator, I no have on truck”.

Of course, that announcement was made at 12:20… the parts warehouse is now closed until monday. Thus began the great search for a new one (I wanted the ability to take a shower, wash clothes, and perhaps some dishes before Monday).  On a positive note, he didn’t charge me anything.  “We have policy.  I no fix, there no charge” he informed me.

Damn spiffy policy in my opinion!!

5 stores and about $600 later, I found one (the only one in town): the Kenmore Power Vent 50 Gallon Natural Gas water heater.

Since it was about 6″ taller than the old one, I had to do some modifications to the plumbing to make it work (change the height of the input and output lines) and I added a shutoff to the hot side (so if I ever have to work on it, I can shut both the hot and cold water off and not drain the whole damn house). I finally finished with it around 7:00 pm.

Of course, in true Casa de WWBD fashion, I have company right now (the only time a major appliance fails in my house is when I have people staying with me), but at least it wasn’t my friend Tom this time 🙂

Ok…. they’re reaching for it now.

Typically, when I get spam, it’s full of clever misspellings of Viagra, Cialis, Hoodia, etc., followed by some nonsensical garble of words.

Now… they’re quoting the Hobbit.

From: Conleth Enciso
Reply-To: Conleth Enciso
To: xxxx@whitewomanblackdog.com
Date: May 22, 2006 9:54 PM
Subject: Re: AMBBhtEN

V A L / U M
X ^ N A X
M E R / D / A
A M B / E N
V / A G R A
P R O Z ^ C
L E V / T R A
C / A L / S
S O M ^

*link removed… dumbasses!*

from the stones no spider has ever liked being called Attercop, and Tomnoddy of course is insulting to anybody. Off Bilbo scuttled to a fresh place, but several of the spiders had run now to different points in the glade where they lived, and were busy spinning webs across all the spaces between the tree-stems. Very soon the hobbit would be caught in a thick fence of them all round him-that at least was the spiders

Now, if we could only harness the energy that Tolkien is creating by rolling in his grave, we’d have a perpetual motion machine capable of generating enough power to light a small city.

Apparently, there’s some concern about the up-coming June 6th (among those who panic when the wind blows from any direction).

Yes, it will be 6/6/06. No, the world will not end.

But hey… don’t listen to me! According to the Rapture Index , today’s rapture rating is 155 (that’s a -1 point drop from yesterday and according to their website, it means “Fasten Your Seatbelts”).

I know… you’re saying to yourself “the date is 6/6/6…. it’s a sign!!”. Well, the world didn’t end on June 6, 1906, or any year ending in 06 for the past couple thousand years either (though, the year 666 AD was a pretty darn close call… NOT!).

You can find the number 666 (or any kind of pattern for that matter) anyplace if you look for it (if you’re clever enough). Count the letters below:

• George (6) Walker (6) Bush Jr (6)
• Ronald (6) Wilson (6) Reagan (6)
• Double (6) Cheese (6) Burger (6) (add fries and a coke for a “Satan Meal”, up size it for only 66 cents more!)

Bible scholars can’t even agree that the “number of the beast” is 666. According to some, the original text was misinterpreted and the number should be 616 (google it).

Of course, common sense might tell you that it’s all a steaming pile of crap, but those who believe in this kind of thing aren’t exactly the common sense types. These are the kinds of people who maxed their credit cards out on 12/31/99 believing that the Y2K bug would render the computers at the credit card companies useless (yes… I actually know 2 people who did this).

About the only major event that you’ll see on June 6 of this year is the opening of the movie: The Omen, a remake on the 1976 classic. Pure marketing genius from Fox .

And speaking of Fox….. F is the sixth letter of the alphabet, O is the 15th letter (1+5=6) and X is the 24th letter (2+4=6).

There’s that damn pattern again!

On a somewhat related note: if you pull up to the drive through at Dairy Queen, and place your order by speaking as demonically as possible “SATAN WANTS A DILLY BAR!!”*, they will sell it to you with no questions asked. Dairy Queen: wholesome small town goodness or in congress with the Devil? You decide.

* courtesy of Mr. Shawn